Wildcard Wecap

[onemanswarm]

Few weekends on the annual sports calendar can compete with the NFL Wildcard. After a grueling 17-week regular season, fans are finally treated to four do-or-die feuds which frequently offer football quality to match or surpass the divisional playoff games that follow. Sprinkle in some fantastic college basketball on Saturday, and you had better be sure to get your chores done early!

What follows is a recap of this weekend’s NFL action, listed chronologically so as not to upset the delicate AFC/NFC rotation. True to televised form, the action is frequently interrupted by short intermissions, wherein commercial sponsors are given their due. Where applicable, truly exceptional ads will be recognized with Cleons.

(NOTE: The Cleon Award for achievement in commercial advertising is in no way associated with the Clio Award given for the same purpose. The Clio is named after the Greek Muse of poetry. The Cleon is named for the man who led the Warriors into battle and gave his life fighting the Gramercy Riffs. With whom would you rather be associated?)

Washington @ Seattle

The Hype: Welcome to Football Night of the Day by America. Bob Costas is on hand to set the stage as the red hot Redskins ride an emotional roller coaster to Washington. The other Washington. But why waste time talking football? Let's find out if Clinton Portis cries when he thinks about Sean Taylor.

The Action: A flurry of Redskin scoring gave Washington a one-point fourth quarter lead, but a missed opportunity and back-to-back pick-6's sealed the Seahawks' win.

Cleon: Last year, NBC used this slot to hype the unholy hell out of Grease: You're the One That I Want. It worked so well that they're back at it again. The 2008 Cleon Award for Promotional Saturation goes to: the new American Gladiators! Water instead of trapeze mats! Hulk Hogan instead of Mike Adamle! Broadswords instead of Pugil sticks! It serves as yet another reminder that American society is well ahead of schedule to fulfill Stephen King's Running Man prophecy.

Keys to the Whip: After Todd Collins found Santana Moss for the go-ahead score, the Seahawks' special teams completely botched the ensuing kick-off, allowing the Redskins to resume possession in the red zone. Not since Courtney Love has a muff nauseated so many Seattleites. Turns out their vomit was for naught; Washington failed to capitalize on the turnover and momentum shifted faster than Stroker Ace.

Cleon: One of the most prized of all Cleons recognizes the actor who has most successfully turned a single one-liner into a full-blown career in commercial acting. This year's award is presented to...the NFL Network's Boston Steamfitter Guy! Congratulations, Steamfitter Guy. Be sure to toss a few bucks at the striking writer who penned that comic gold.

Next up for the Winners: Seattle travels to Green Bay for a game that will feature Patrick Kerney and Aaron Kampman, two new additions to the NFL's All-White Team. You need a good pass rush when you have no secondary.

Next up for the Losers: Turning in their jerseys so the Redskins' equipment manager can begin the painstaking process of Taylor-patch stitch removal.

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh

The Hype: In a pivotal Week 15 match-up, the Jags downed the Steelers 29-22. The loss was Pittsburgh's sole home defeat. Can Big Ben stand tall and strike six? Will Hines Ward defend Heinz Field? Can Omar Epps' bearded brother show the people of Pittsburgh that it's possible to prevail in the playoffs without prominent spittle-chin? Let's begin!Cleon: The winner of the 2008 "Who are the Ad Wizards" Award goes to Sprint for casting the Russian from Snatch to sell me a PDA. Thanks, Sprint. But if I'm going to trust my online security to a handheld electronic device, I sure as shit ain't buyin' it from some sneaky f*ckin' Russian.

The Action: In an instant classic that offered more tension than a too-tightly tuned E-string, David "Deputy Sam" Garrarg made just enough plays to seal a bowel-clenching come-from-behind win. Ben Roethlisberger overcame a disastrous first half and Najeh Davenport chipped in with two rushing touchdowns, which is much better than the two gushing flush-browns he typically produces. His performance silenced critics who claimed that Davenport's promotion would only hamper the Steelers' championship chances.

Keys to the Whip: Jack Del Rio make some truly idiotic decisions down the stretch, challenging a blatant trap and showing complete disregard for the two-minute warning. Del Rio had all but whizzed away his team's chances of winning, when his sac suddenly burst forth from beneath, resulting in an inspired QB-draw playcall on 4th-and-2 that proved the de facto game-winner. Honorable mentions for the blown pass interference against Ward, the too-early-to-go-for-two two-point conversion attempts that backfired on Tomlin, and the career-threatening tackle attempt by Steelers' safety Tyrone Carter on Garrard's 4th down draw. That wasn't even an arm tackle. It was a vag tackle.

Cleon: The Cleon for "Missing Sound Effect" goes to the Kate Walsh Cadillac commercial. See if your friends agree: When Kate delivers the line, "When you turn your car on, does it return the favor?" immediately break out your best pornstar ecstasy yelp. For additional hilarity, imagine a Patrick Dempsey version that ends with an equally suggestive male cumgrunt.

Next up for the Winners: To paraphrase Pinhead, the Jags didn't lose today. But for the next 8 days, their dearest wish will be that they had!

Next up for the Losers: The Steelers are forced to hang their heads now that they have begun their jet-setting, trim-pumping winter of misery.

New York @ Tampa Bay

The Hype: It's do or die for Eli, Coughlin, and the Giants. Please die, please, please, please die!

Cleon: The nominees for Most Promising Movie Trailer are: Cloverfield, Orphanage, and Pam Oliver 2: The Thickening.

The Action: The Bucs got off to a hot start, driving the length of the field for an easy score. It would be their last until the game was out of hand. For the majority of the contest, Michael Strahan abused Jeremy Trueblood like Carl Racki abused Dean Youngblood. When it was all said and done, Jeff Garcia had spent three hours pinned on his back by four massive musclemen. Then he arrived at the stadium and played a whale of a game in a losing effort.

Cleon: The Cleon for Best New Pre-Super Bowl Entry goes to the FedEx "full head of hair" commercial. They can deny it until the end of time. They can even pass Fox's Moment of Truth lie detector. I will always believe that this ad was intended to mock the UPS Whiteboard Vincent Vega guy and his hilarious 1995 haircut.

Keys to the Whip: A rejuvenated Amani Toomer played his best game in 17 years, snagging seven balls and a touchdown. That catch capped a 15-play, 92-yard, 8-and-a-half minute drive that left the Bucs with barely half a quarter to make up 17 points. Some are calling it Eli's signature drive. Others argue that it was a fluke, bitch. That shit was a fluke! You suck, Eli. You still suck, you pathetic washed-up papa's boy!

Next up for the Winners: The Giants will travel to Big D where they will face a team that has already defeated them twice this season. They say it's tough to beat a team three times in one season, but shouldn't it be even tougher to beat a team that twice whipped your ass with all the enthusiasm of a dominatrix in training?

Next up for the Losers: NFL commentators like to brag on Jon Gruden's work ethic, claiming that he typically sleeps only two or three hours a night during the season. What they don't tell you is that the moment his season ends, he falls into a state of hibernation and does not emerge until after the first thaw.

Tennessee @ San Diego

The Hype: Will Norv Turner give San Diego a taste of playoff victory? Or will Vince Young relish the role of underdog once again?

Cleon: Congratulations to Tampax for winning the Cleon for Best Commercial Spin-off for their John Cougar Mellencamp inspired "This is Our C*nt Rag" spot. From the yeast host to the messed roast, up the Crimson Highway hole. This is our c*nt rag!

The Action: The Chargers started slowly against the Titans' tenacious defense, but their seventeen second-half points eclipsed the predictably pedestrian Tenessee offense. Ultimately, this was a forgettable game with the exception of LaDomlinson's goal line leap.Cleon: Does anyone drink Coors? Not Coors Light, but actual Coors? I'd like Pete Coors to address this in future commercials. And also his ironic arrest for DUI.

Keys to the Whip: Clearly, the Titans' gameplan was to force Phrivers to beat them. In the second half, he did just that as the passing game accounted for one touchdown, two 100-yard receivers, and an Elaine Benes sideline dance by Norv Turner.

Next up for the Winners: This counts as a post-season victory, which is a start. But to truly validate the replacement of Martttenheimer, the Chargers will need to pull off a road win at Peyton Place.

Next up for the Losers: No need to panic. The championship window for this team is just beginning to creak open. Think about it. The Titans made the post season in arguably the league's toughest division with Justin Gage as their #1 wide receiver.

Weekend Conclusion: The Saturday night contest between Pittsburgh and Jacksonville was the highlight of a good, not great wildcard weekend. If nothing else, it did set the stage for a tasty tournament which includes the marquis match-up between San Diego and Indianapolis. Please join us again next week for the Playoff Payoff.