Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:
1. New England Patriots (15-0): When I was ten, I went to the pet store with my mom. She accidentally stepped on an escaped goldfish, popping it with her high heels. I had repressed the memory of that sound until I heard it again on Sunday when Laurence Maroney repeatedly trampled the flailing 'phins.
2. Indianapolis Colts (13-2): For the fourth consecutive season, Week 17 will be Senior Day at the RCA dome, with Jim Sorgi playing the role of the Senior.
#12 Jim Sorgi QB Sr.
3. Dallas Cowboys (13-2): If you see any Cowboy starter playing past halftime next week, you can bet your sweet bippy he's got contract incentives. Or what if Wade Phillips is one of these integrity-of-the-game guys? On second thought, hold onto your sweet bippy. If you feel compelled to wager, bet your rancid bippy. You barely ever bust that bippy out anymore anyway.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (11-4): Anyone who thinks that Fred Taylor didn't earn his first ever Pro Bowl berth didn't see his touchdown run on Sunday. Elements of Tecmo Bo.
5. Green Bay Packers (12-3): What has become of Brett Favre? He used to have the MTG equivalent of Tundrawalk. Now he just puts the old in cold.
John Ryan's day: One fumbled snap, two blocked punts, and a 9-yard shank. They should make him wear Scott Player's throatmask (inset) next week as punishment.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-5): Najeh Davenport filled in admirably for Fast Willie, gaining 167 all purpose yards with two touchdowns. Unfortunately, he was unable to corral a Roethlisberger two-point conversion throw, saying afterward that he had never been in so much trouble for dropping a deuce. Well, almost never.
7. San Diego Chargers (10-5): Angrier that Billy Volek came into the game and fumbled away the shutout: Chargers' D or every owner of Chargers' D/ST?
8. Seattle Seahawks (10-5): If the Seahawks beat the Falcons, they will clinch the #3 seed because there is a 100% chance that Eli Manning will be absolutely face-whipped by nine inches of limp Belidick.
9. New York Giants (10-5): As the final seconds wound off the clock, the Giants doused Tom Coughlin with Gatorade. Not because they had clinched a playoff spot, but because Coughlin is a tremendous asshole and people think it's fun to douche him with ice cold liquid on a freezing day.
10. Tennessee Titans (9-6): The Titans make the playoffs if they can go to Indianapolis and defeat the Colts' scout team.
11.Cleveland Browns (9-6): The first time Danderson played the Bengals, he threw five touchdowns. The second time, four interceptions. When these two teams meet again next year, look for him to throw for three hundred yards. For the Atlanta Falcons.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6): Maybe your season is wrapped up, Chucky, but how about those of us who are counting on Buc-love in the Fantasy Bowl? NFL coaches, I cannot stress this enough. You have got to save that sh*t for week 17.
The Gay Crusaders could have used some help from Ernest Graham.
13. Washington Redskins (8-7): Joe Gibbs' 12-men challenge was so crafty, it almost made up for the gaffe that cost his team the Taylor Tribute game.
14. Minnesota Vikings (8-7): Listen, I don't care if you're down 35-0 in the first, there is absolutely, positively no compelling reason on Earth for Tarvaris Jackson to drop back 49 times while the dynamic duo split a meager 15 carries. I place this loss squarely on the shoulders of Vikings Coach L. Ron Bumquist.
15. Buffalo Bills (7-8): Great to see Kevin Everett walking before the game. Too bad the Bills linebackers have yet to recover from the win-threatening injury that prevented them from tackling.
16.Houston Texans (7-8): For the umpteenth consecutive time, Peyton Manning beat the Texans like a Sunday-morning boner.
17. Philadelphia Eagles (7-8): Too little too late for two impressive Philavictories.
18. New Orleans Saints (7-8): Replacement linebacker Stewart Bradley killed the Saints, stopping Aaron Stecker on consecutive plays with goal to go from the 1. It's being called the only noteworthy performance by an athlete named Stewart that didn't end in a cheerleader facial.
19. Arizona Cardinals (7-8): Kurt Warner looks positively youthful lately. His rejuvenation coincides with his wife's transformation from Alice the maid to Diane Sawyer.
20.Denver Broncos (6-9): To me, nothing says Christmas like my annual three-hour reminder that Jay Cutler is from Santa Claus, Indiana.
21. Carolina Panthers (6-9): According to Bryant Gumble, the Panthers came into this game with their playoff hopes on life support. I guess that means they've been Shiavoed.
22. Detroit Lions (7-8): Detroit finally won again. Can I get a Mugatu sweatshop worker "yay?"
23. Cincinnati Bengals (6-9): Is there a more satisfying moral victory than the one that snatches destiny from the hungry hands of an in-state rival? I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know.
24. Chicago Bears (6-9): Kyle Orton was as accurate as I've ever seen him. Practicing next to the giant ice fan finally paid off for the Bears scout team.
25. San Francisco 49ers (5-10): Rookie linebacker Patrick Willis put up Bobby Boucher numbers with 20 tackles, two sacks, one forced fumble, and six Cajunisms uttered.
26. Oakland Raiders (4-11): Warren Sapp set a new record, accruing three consecutive unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. Sadly, he was bounced before he could commit his fourth such penalty, which Sapp described as an intended reverse Ro-Sham-Bo style assault to the crotch of the back judge.
I like to think it would have looked a little something like this.
27. Kansas City Chiefs (4-11):8 straight losses? Ellis Boyd Redding had a better record before the parole board.
28. Baltimore Ravens (4-11): 9 straight losses? Devin Hester had a better record as a High School Mathlete.
29. New York Jets (3-12): Jerricotchery went over 1,000 receiving yards in this game. Now he'll have six months to savor the bittersweet aftertaste of individual achievement on a crappy team.
30. St. Louis Rams (3-12): Torry Holt had some choice words for Scott Linehan as the Rams skidded to their twelfth loss. Torry, I understand your frustration, but really, what are you going to say? "Why aren't you a faith healer with the ability to insta-fix Orlando Pace's wasted shoulder?" Actually, he is Jim Caviezel's brother-in-law...
31. Atlanta Falcons (3-12): Chris Redmon finished with 315 yards and two touchdowns. It was the best passing performance for a Falcons' quarterback since what? Chris Chandler? Bobby Hebert? Jeff George maybe?
32: Miami Dolphins (1-14): Never fear, Dolphans. The Big Tuna is on the way, and he's wielding the irrepressible power of the world's most highly compensated frontbutt.
Shower Rankings - Week 17 
In Memory of Sgt. David Pike (Riverside Sheriffs Dept.) EOW- 05/31/08 
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