Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:
1. New England Patriots (14-0): Richard Seymour hit Kellen Clemens so hard I thought I had accidentally ordered The Program on demand.
2. Indianapolis Colts (12-2): Dominic Rhodes made his former coach pay. For dinner Saturday night.
3. Green Bay Packers (12-2): With the big six out of the way, are there any lesser records that Favre should be focused on? Most centers fondled? Quickest player to reach five consecutive seasons of retirement speculation? Flattest ass to start a game? Favre's gotta have a butt double in that Wrangler commercial. Don't act like you never noticed.
Wrangler: Men want mombutt, too.
4. Dallas Cowboys (12-2): How bad do you have to stink up the joint in order to embarrass Jessica Simpson? Did you see Employee of the Month? Me either. But you know that sh*t is terrible.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4): Fred Taylor gashed the Pittsburgh defense in the sense that he slapped a metaphorical vagina on their lap. 6. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5): The Steelers got Steelered in Steelerland, where my balls are gargled by Steely Dan.
7. Cleveland Browns (9-5): The last time Jamal Lewis plowed through snow that quickly, he served four months.
8. San Diego Chargers (9-5): The Chargers got everyone involved in this rout. There was even one play where Norv Turner borrowed Michael Turner's jersey and ran off tackle for 38 yards.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5): Michael Spurlock scored the first kick return for a touchdown in the history of the Tampa Bay franchise. Impressive when you consider the fact that he eats nothing but McDonalds.
10. New York Giants (9-5):The injury to Shockey means that the Giants' inevitable first-round playoff loss will be 20% less watchable.
11.Seattle Seahawks (9-5): I know the Seahawks feel like they need to lean on Masselbeck, but throwing 41 passes into gale force winds? As Blade might say, "Some motherf*ckers are always tryin' to ice skate uphill.
12. Tennessee Titans (8-6):The Titan's victory removed three more musical chairs from the AFC playoff picture. And if the Bills, Broncos and Texans don't like it, they can join Bart Simpson's remedial class.
13. Minnesota Vikings (8-6): The Vikings' victory was the first piece of toilet paper to pass over the poop-smeared bunghole of the NFC playoff picture.
The Lions, Cardinals, and Eagles proved to be the latest in a long line of NFC dingleberries.
14. Buffalo Bills (7-7): Phil Dawson's field goals were entertaining, but I would have preferred a 2-0 final.
15. Washington Redskins (7-7): In a game dominated by wind, Joe Gibbs used his quarterback sparingly. Not like that asswipe Caughlin, who called Eli's number 52 illogical times.
16.New Orleans Saints (7-7): Drew Brees finished 26/30 for 315 yards, with two touchdowns and no picks. Basically, he completed 4 fewer passes than Jesus would have. Of course, Jesus would have completed all thirty passes for touchdowns. To himself. Well, maybe not thirty. That would seem like show boating, and running up the score is more the style of Beelzebelichick.
17. Houston Texans (7-7): Mario Williams has collected 13 sacks this season. That's even more than Sayid Jarrah had in Planet Terror.
18. Arizona Cardinals (6-8): The Cardinals made Aaron Stecker look like Reggie Bush was supposed to look.
19. Philadelphia Eagles (6-8): It's clear that Brian Westbrook plays a lot of Madden. And absolutely no fantasty football.
20.Denver Broncos (6-8): Speaking of which, if Tony Sheffler's aerial fumblesault counts as a touchdown, then why didn't Brian Westbrook score when his feet crossed the plane?
21. Carolina Panthers (6-8): Matt Moore is the Panthers' fourth starting quarterback this season and he is their first starting quarterback since their first starting quarterback to make Steve Smith relevant.
22. Detroit Lions (6-8): I can understand giving up 100 rushing yards to LaDomlinson in the first half. But to respond by giving up 100 rushing yards to Darren Sproles in the second is unforgivable. Did Rod Marinelli's locker room speech include a convincing argument that tackling causes chlamydia?
23. Cincinnati Bengals (5-9): Marv hasn't looked that beat up since Sin City.
24. Chicago Bears (5-9): If Kyle Orton made love to Rachel Nichols, they would give birth to a Dark Crystal muppet. + =
25. Kansas City Chiefs (4-10): The sad thing is, Kansas City smells like that even when the Chiefs are good.
26. Oakland Raiders (4-10): The Raiders remind me of my golf game. They put up one good drive per week.
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-10): Okay, so just so I don't get confused. We have Shaun Hill who plays football for the Niners, Sean Hill who plays hockey for the Wild, and Shawn Hill who plays baseball for the Nationals. Kinda makes you want to name your kid Shawon Hill and teach him to shoot the J. Shoot it.
28. St. Louis Rams (3-11):Asked why he threw two interceptions to Atari Bigby, Marc Bulger said that he mistakenly believed he was throwing at the Packers' weaker cornerback, Coleco Jones.
29. New York Jets (3-11): How weak is Chennington's arm that the Jets felt it was worth trying Brad Smith as an option quarterback? No, I didn't mean to say "an option at quarterback." Brad Smith literally ran the option in an NFL game for the first time since Jim Braddock defeated Max Baer.
30. Baltimore Ravens (4-10): Between the loss to Miami and the near-upset of New England, the Ravens are presented with the Hayden Panettiere award for attempting to let '72 Dolphins off the hook.
31. Atlanta Falcons (3-11): I really wanted to stick the Ravens in the penultimate slot, but then the Falcons went and had as many turnovers as they had completions. That is just ricocklulously bad football.
32: Miami Dolphins (1-13): Off the schneid. On the clock.
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:
1. New England Patriots (14-0): Richard Seymour hit Kellen Clemens so hard I thought I had accidentally ordered The Program on demand.
7. Cleveland Browns (9-5): The last time Jamal Lewis plowed through snow that quickly, he served four months.
10. New York Giants (9-5):The injury to Shockey means that the Giants' inevitable first-round playoff loss will be 20% less watchable.
11.Seattle Seahawks (9-5): I know the Seahawks feel like they need to lean on Masselbeck, but throwing 41 passes into gale force winds? As Blade might say, "Some motherf*ckers are always tryin' to ice skate uphill.
16.New Orleans Saints (7-7): Drew Brees finished 26/30 for 315 yards, with two touchdowns and no picks. Basically, he completed 4 fewer passes than Jesus would have. Of course, Jesus would have completed all thirty passes for touchdowns. To himself. Well, maybe not thirty. That would seem like show boating, and running up the score is more the style of Beelzebelichick.
24. Chicago Bears (5-9): If Kyle Orton made love to Rachel Nichols, they would give birth to a Dark Crystal muppet. + =
26. Oakland Raiders (4-10): The Raiders remind me of my golf game. They put up one good drive per week.
Absolutely hilarious. You need to send these out to someone/somewhere. Do it now. Go. Do it!!!
Shower Rankings - Week 16 
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