Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:
1. New England Patriots (13-0): I love these Belichick/Mangini match-ups. I don't know that I can recall animosity boiling over so quickly between mentor and protege. Darth Vader tossed Emperor Palpatine down the proverbial Spacewell, but that was like 100 years in the making!
"Give into your hate. Or just give up the tapes. Either way, I'm cool."
2. Dallas Cowboys (12-1): Marion Barber III: The III stands for the three touchdowns that just ran your ass out of the fantasy playoffs.
3. Indianapolis Colts (11-2): I wonder what it's like when Peyton Manning shows up on the set of a commercial. Like does the wardrobe girl see him in his gray t-shirt tucked into navy blue shorts and just go, "Yeah, okay. That's better than anything I brought." A gray t-shirt tucked into navy blue shorts is Peyton Manning's life uniform.
4. Green Bay Packers (11-2): Brett Favre is still the craftiest gunslinger this side of Ned Nederlander.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-4): At least Jon Kitna's guarantee lasted more than five minutes.
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4): Football imitates life. And by life, I mean Thundercats. Jaguars v Panthers? Look, Panthro could be rolling three deep in the Thunderclaw, and he still couldn't f**k with the spirit of Jaga.
7. New York Giants (9-4): Plaxico Burress continued to baffle NFL cornerbacks with his moves and middle aged white people with his name.
8. Seattle Seahawks (9-4): Even when the Seahawks are whipping ass, Shalexander still sucks. Further evidence that Steve Hutchinson is the most underrated player in the league. Leave Seattle and their record-setting runner blows balls. Join Minny, and anyone they put out there looks like a Pro-Bowl rusher.
9. Cleveland Browns (8-5): Does anyone else find it unsettling that Danderson has thrown more Brown touchdowns this season than Bernie Kosar ever did?! I feel like Angela Lansbury the night Marissa Tomei won the Oscar.
10. San Diego Chargers (8-5): Phrivers was abysmal through three and a half, then rebounded for an explosive comeback. It's like he was standing on the sideline waiting to be possessed by Warren Beatty.
You know you've been dying for a Heaven Can Wait reference.
11.Tennessee Titans (7-6): When he's injured, the Titans miss Albert Haynesworth like I miss my collection of Captain Power tapes.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5): I'm fed up with this Luke McCown experiment. I'm ready to see what Chris Simms can do. Not only is he lean and mean. He has no spleen and his father says 'eem.'
13. Buffalo Bills (7-6): 225 rushing yards and 4 passing touchdowns?! Either Marv Levy found a way to clone Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas, or the Bills just played Miami.
14. Minnesota Vikings (7-6): The Vikings defensive line accounted for two sacks, two picks, two forced fumbles, a fumble recovery and a touchdown. I haven't seen that kind of action from three hundred pound black guys since The Fat Boys starred in Disorderlies.
15. Washington Redskins (6-7): Thursday was a bad night to be a quarterback. Unless you're Todd Collins. Wait. Todd Collins is a quarterback?!
Todd Collins: Alleged Quarterback
16.Arizona Cardinals (6-7): Congratulations to Neil Rackers, who recovered his own onside kick. As a kicker, that's like one of the strengthiest moves you can do!
17. Detroit Lions (6-7): Holding a lead until the final 18 seconds and losing is like starting the season 6-2 and missing the playoffs. You know what, I'm not afraid to say it: Microcosm game.
18. Houston Texans (6-7): If you're a Texans fan, how do you spark a chant for Sage Rosenfels? Do you go with the basic "Sage! Sage! Sage?" or the old "Rose-N-Fels! Rose-N-Fels?"
19. Denver Broncos (6-7): Brandon Marshall is quickly making Javon Walker expendable. Expendable? What mean expendable?
20.New Orleans Saints (6-7): By kicking the downed Falcons, the Saints managed to maintain a hold on their scrap of hope among the NFC's undead.
21. Philadelphia Eagles (5-8): The Defense Department regrets to inform you that your team is dead because they were stupid.
22. Chicago Bears (5-8): Once he gets started, Bryant Gumble literally cannot stop doing play-by-play. "With Grossman down, the Bears trainers will come out, and it seems to me that this would be a good time to set the Redskins defense, but now a flying insect has entered our booth here and it is...going to be...captured and consumed by my partner Chris Collinsworth, and now I find that my thoughts are wandering and I'm thinking about a girl I used to holler at in college."
23. Cincinnati Bengals (5-8): If you include his two interceptions, Calmer completed 79% of his passes. That's just below the Larry Dallas line.
Bonus points if you can spell the character's full last name.
24. Carolina Panthers (5-8): The Panthers' offense mustered a mere 149 yards, while their defense was plowed by Fred Taylor for 132. Had John Kasay missed his kicks, the Panthers would have had a shot at the Trifecta of Terrible.
25. Kansas City Chiefs (4-9): Rushing for 18 yards against Denver is like getting to second base with the class skank.
26. Oakland Raiders (4-9): Does Kim Karadashian play for Oakland? They seemed right at home allowing Blackmon in their endzone for millions to see.
27. Baltimore Ravens (4-9): The Ravens are like last year's Browns. Not the worst team. Just the worst team to watch.
28. St. Louis Rams (3-10): Brock Berlin sounds like one of those formulaic porn names where you take a one-syllable name and combine it with an international capital city. Personally, I'd go with Vic Moscow.
Vic Moscow is Gonad the Barbarian.
29. Atlanta Falcons (3-10): I'm not defending Mike Vick, but didn't Leonard Little get community service for killing an actual human being?
30. New York Jets (3-10): The only test left for the Jets is whether they can hold the Pats under 80 in their Spygate rematch.
31. San Francisco 49ers (3-10): The Niners matched the Vikes in total yards and T.O.P., but far exceeded their opponent in W.T.F.'s.
32: Miami Dolphins (0-13): Blown out by the Bills? This is a new low-water mark for Miami. Good thing dolphins don't have gills.
Shower Rankings - Week 15 
Linear Mode
