The Hype: Holmgren and Hasselbeck head back to Lambeau to battle Coach Frogface and The Legendary Dust Balls.
Is that snow, or did Brett just ejaculate again?
The Result: The Packers won a blizzard blowout and are one home win away from the Super Bowl, a fact which compelled me to dry heave until there was nothing left but the bitter bile of Bear bankruptcy.
The Headline:Ryan, Grant Me the Serenity
Keys to the Whip: This game was defined by the resilience of Ryan Grant. In front of 72,000 bloodthirsty cheeseheads, the de facto rookie running back fumbled away two of his first three touches, staking Seattle to a two-touchdown lead. Momentarily tempted to flee the field, grow a beard, and change his name to Ulysses, Grant stuck around and averaged 8 yards a carry en route to a 201 yard, three touchdown performance.
Game Ball: Favre and Grant would be the obvious choices, but don't overlook the performance of Atari "Don't Call Me Coleco" Bigby. The Packers D-back defined reckless abandon, delivering more devastating blows than a hooker with herpes. Thanks to Bigby's head-hunting hits, Seahawk receivers were like Michael Flatley's downstairs neighbors: hearing footsteps all day long.
Shame Ball: Here to accept this dubious distinction on behalf of Seattle's defensive front four is Pro Bowl pass rusher Patrick Kerney, who failed to record a single tackle in this contest. Ryan Grant ran over, through, and around the Seahawks' D-line while Favre faced less pressure than a teacher on test day. Unable to stop the Packers, the Seahawks squandered their early lead faster than the proverbial hare.
The Aftermath: This game will almost certainly result in a contract extension for MikeCarthy and the self-flagellation of the thrirty-one GM's who failed to rescue Rushin' Ryan Grant from the practice squad scrapheap.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ New England Patriots
The Hype: Will Del Rio's leather be enough to protect him from the Foxboro Firing Squad?
The Result: The perfect Pats promptly proceeded to pummel their primary playoff opponent.
The Headline:David Garrard: Is His Butt Bigger Than His Bite?
Keys to the Whip: To beat the Patriots, you have to play perfect, and the Jaguars did manage to get off to a hot start. However, much like Vincent Shenocca, they failed to keep it up long enough to best Belichick.
Game Ball: TFB was positively ridiculous in this game, completing 26 of 28 passes for 262 yards, three touchdowns, and a passer rating of "Are you f*cking serious with this sh*t?!" Naturally, Brady had help from his line, his receivers, and whoever drew up that play-action pass. That fake was like Diana Taurasi's vaginaroma: so sick it made my head spin.
Sorry, D. I couldn't resist the metaphor, and
you know it's true.
Shame Ball: Dennis Northcutt allowed a touchdown to pass right through his wide open hands, preventing Jacksonville from tying the game at 21. After that, the Jags went down faster than a gold-digger at an album release party.
The Aftermath: The Patriots have moved one game closer to their goal of eradicating Mercury Morris' will to live. Godspeed, gentlemen.
San Diego Chargers @ Indianapolis Colts
The Hype: The streaking Chargers square off with the defending champs to determine who gets to lose the AFC Championship Game.
The Result: It took five bowel-wrenching second-half lead changes but San Diego asserted itself as the eventual victor.
The Headline: Defeated Dungy Sets Sights on Securing Democratic Nomination
Keys to the Whip: In a series of seemingly crushing catastrophes, the Chargers lost LaDomlinson, Phrivers, and the slim lead to which they clung. But Billy Volek, Michael Turner, and the Chargers' offensive line put together a 78-yard drive that culminated with Volek's one-yard game-winner.
Game Ball: Despite last week's win over Tennessee, Norv Turner was facing enormous pressure heading into this game. He threw furious fits that would have made Ron Burgandy blush, and in the process, set the tone for a scrappy San-D upset. The win validates his promotion at the expense of Marttenheimer.
Shame Ball: Phrivers played an excellent game prior to the injury, but the enduring image will be his Colt fan confrontation in the waining seconds. Phil? Are you out of your brothershucking mind? What are you trying to accomplish by initiating verbal velitation with some yokel in facepaint? Believe me when I tell you that, for a fan, the one-yard sneak by Volek was far more painful than any words your mind could ever conjure.
The Aftermath: The greatest gains from this game go to Chargers' general manager A.J. Smith, who left Indy looking an awful lot like the gridiron version of King Midas. The man responsible for replacing Schotty, re-signing the Burner, and trading for Big Bad Billy silenced any detractors he may have had.
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
The Hype: Where in the world is Jessica Simpson and does she have her popcorn ready?
The Result: R.W. McQuarters overcame Persistent Nelly Band-Aid Syndrome (PNBAS) and intercepted Tomo's last-ditch pass into the end zone, securing the Giants' ninth consecutive road win.
The Headline: Manning Wins! No, the Other Manning. The Unfunny One.
Keys to the Whip: Mariarber gave the Cowboys a 14-7 lead with one minute to play in the first half. But Eli Manning drove his team 71 yards in 46 seconds, hitting Amani Toomer for the tying score. The drive was aided by a 15-yard facemask, one of eleven Cowboy penalties that cost the team 84 yards.
Game Ball: Michael Strahan receives this award on behalf of a defensive front four that put obscene amounts of pressure on Tony Romo throughout the second half. Normally a cool customer, Tomo was forced to scramble more often than a line cook at IHOP. Incidentally, Torbor is robrot spelled backward.
Shame Ball: Jerry Jones, who reportedly gave each player two tickets to the NFC Championship game, incurred the wrath of a vengeful God and all but sealed the victory for the New York (Football) Giants.
hubris (hyōō'brĭs): n. overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance
The Aftermath: In a bizarre postgame interview, a sunglassed Terrell Owens began to weep as he defended the bye-week actions of "his quarterback," Tony Romo. While I could hardly believe my cynical eyes, I have to confess, it seemed surprisingly genuine. Is it possible that T.O. has finally matured? He did look a bit older with that beard. I think they call that the Roger Murtaugh effect.
...Tune in next week for the Championship Diarrhies.
The Divisional Payoffs 
In Memory of Sgt. David Pike (Riverside Sheriffs Dept.) EOW- 05/31/08 
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