[onemanswarm]

Winner: Eli Manning. It physically hurt me to type that. And I don't mean carpal tunnel or some literal shit. I'm talking deep, soul-crushing pain. Han-Solo-being-bent-over-Darth Vader's-torture-table, knowing-that-his-woman-is-getting-cornholed-by-an-Imperial-rapedroid kind of pain. Darth-Vader, thinking-the-same-thing-but-about-his-daughter, and-he-can't-show-his-emotion-because-he's-supposed-to-be-this hard-hearted, pipe-hittin' Sith-motherf*cker-and-he-just-can't-remember-how-to-stop-repressing-the-hurt kind of pain. You know. That kind? Anyway, nice game, Eli.

Winner: Tom Petty. His hair and soft beard looked positively pettable.

Losers: The Heartbreakers. More like Tom Petty and the Hipbreakers.

Winners: Everyone who took the under. I've seen more scoring on a Jr. High dance floor.

Loser: Diet Pepsi's uninspired "What is Love" commercial, complete with Chris Katan payoff. If you can't get Will Ferrell, don't waste my time.

Winner: The Bud Light/Semi-Pro crossover ad featuring the aforementioned Ferrell. "It refreshes the pallet and the loins." You're damn right it does.

Loser: With 32 seconds to play, Tom Brady would have killed for those same seventeen points he so flippantly scoffed at last week. Not that something like that would quell my desire to sex his chinbutt.

Loser: Speaking of men who want to share their coitus with Tom Brady, what was up with Terry Bradshaw in that pregame interview? He kept alternating between schoolgirl stare-downs, Chuck Woolery lean-ins, and re-positions of the porn pillow to disguise his burgeoning Brady boner. Wouldn't you love to meet Chuck Woolery? Keepin it real, in my heart of hearts, Chuck Woolery very well might be the person I'd most like to meet. Who doesn't like Chuck Woolery?

Winner: The surprisingly funny Bridgestone squirrel commercial, which seems to have stumbled upon a lowest common denominator. Screaming animals are always funny. Except maybe in Project X.

Loser: The inexcusably unfunny Bridgestone Richard Simmons commercial. Swerve around the squirrel. That's the right thing to do. But never pass up a chance to take out Richard Simmons. Think about it. If that spot ends with Richard Simmons getting flipped through the air like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black (which is only watchable for that one scene), this is easily the most talked-about Super Bowl commercial ever. Run it once. Apologize for offending. Reap the benefits for years.

Winner: Michael Strahan. In many ways, the Chuck Woolery of the NFL. His numbers weren't gaudy: 3 tackles and a sack. But he is the undisputed leader of a defense that played with championship-caliber tenacity. Eli took the trophy, but if you happened to have a picture frame attached to the side of a horsetrailer, it would belong to the Giants' D. And who do you think would represent that D? "Iss Michael Stray-han!"

Loser: Brazen Bill Belichick bares the brunt of the blame for blowing this Bowl. Let me just ask this: If Adam Vinatieri is still on this team, does Billichick pass on a 48-yard field goal attempt in favor of trying a 4th-and-13 conversion? For a genius, that move was pretty damned stupifying.

Loser: Justin Tuck, who sacked Tom Brady twice, but reportedly failed to say "There's a new tuck rule in town" after either sack.

Winners: The 1972 Dolphins, whose perfection persists peerlessly.

Losers: The 1972 Dolphins, who are old and will soon die. Especially you, Shula, you steak-peddling prickhole.

Loser: Sales Genie's reprehensible advertisement featuring an animated salesman named Ramesh who must double his sales or be fired. Hey, Ramesh, I got an idea. Instead of spending money on some prospecting software, change your name to something Anglo-sounding and trick your racist customer base into buying from you. Works for I.T.

Winner: Career Builder for blessing us with the imagery of a predatory spider devouring Jiminy Cricket.

Loser: Career Builder for cursing us with the imagery of an attractive female office worker with one exploding tit.

Loser: Wall E. What is he but a short, fat Johnny 5?

Loser: The Coke ad with James Carville and Bill Frist. Bill Frist?! He's like the least recognizable person ever. Thanks for buying a minute of my time so you could fill it with that horseshit.

Winner: The Coke ad with Stewie, Underdog, and Charlie Brown. Now you've got yourself some recognizable spokesmen and some LCD appeal!

Winner: Oh great. It's the ubiquitous Budweiser Clydesdale commercial where one of the horses isn't good enough to hang with the bigs. Stupid, right? Right. But this time, they added a dalmatian and the ballad version of Rocky's Theme. I'll be honest with you. That's all I ever need.

Loser: The Tide talking stain ad. I know this is going to be an unpopular pick because people loved this commercial. And I will be the first to say that it was a very solid concept. But there was no payoff. The stain never actually says anything funny, and the adverse consequences suffered by the stained interviewee are elliptical. Also, what is the purpose of the fine-print disclaimer that said "Coffee stain depicted?" What difference does it make to me if the stain's breath smells like coffee or red wine or semen? Okay, that makes sense now.

Loser: The trailer for the movie Wanted. Curve the bullet? Did you say curve the f*cking bullet? You want me to curve the f*cking bullet? Curve the bullet? That's what you said? You want me to curve the bullet? A bullet? You want me to curve it?

Winner: Charles Barkley for finally letting Dwayne Wade in his Five.

Loser: Gatorade. The "Man's Best Friend" commercial was incomprehensible and basically served as a tribute to a much funnier commercial that juxtaposes the sound of a dog drinking with a man licking steak sauce off his plate. And the Jeter commercial was almost as bad, even with the Parcells/Peyton payoff.

Winner: Amp. Why waste money on dogs and Derek Jeter when you can get the job done with a fat guy's nipples?

Winner: Wes Welker caught eleven passes for 108 yards and was the hardest-working man in silver and blue. With red. And some white.

Winner: David Tyree. I know what you're thinking. Tyree? Isn't he the ex-con from Mad Real World? Yes. But now he plays football for the Giants, and he was on the receiving end of one of the greatest plays in Super Bowl history. On a crucial third-down during the Giants' final drive, Eli Manning Houdinied defenders, fled the pocket, and lofted a jump ball to Tyree who caught it, held it against his helmet, then somehow managed to keep it off the ground while being dropped on his back with his arms stretched up and fully extended over his head. You can watch that play a hundred times and still wonder how either guy pulled off his respective part.

Winner: Plaxico Burress caught the game-winning touchdown and scored Namath points for his prophetic prediction.

Winners: My personal favorite commercials: Fed/Ex Carrier Pigeons, E-Trade Baby I & II, and the cars.com alternatives.

Losers: My least favorites: Taco Bell Fiesta Platter, Under Armour Army, and Go Daddy.

Big Winner: Without question, the biggest winner from this game is the much maligned head coach of the Giants, Tom Coughlin. Eli was under pressure in the playoffs, but Coughlin's neck was on the block all season. He's still a miserable bastard in my book, and I wish his red-ass player-berating tactics would fail, but they certainly didn't do so this year. And I suppose he is to be congratulated for that.

Big Losers: The 2008 New England Patriots. Not because they missed a chance to make history. Not because they failed to upend the insufferable '72 Dolphins. Not because they lost Super Bowl XLII. But because they all but spat in the face of the 2002 New England Patriots. Remember the hungry bunch of scrappers that shocked a highly-favored, wholly-confident St. Louis Rams team in Super Bowl XXXVI? I do. And tonight I think I saw them in the Giants the way Mike from Mike and the Mechanics saw his father in his baby's newborn tears. Meanwhile, in the weeks leading up to the game, the 2008 Patriots reminded me of that old Rams team. You would think the team that dethroned the Rams would know better. Then again, only a handful of guys remain from that Patriots team that started it all six years ago. Maybe that's the price you pay when you try to build a dynasty in the Age of Parity.