[onemanswarm]

San Diego Chargers @ New England Patriots

1:48 p.m. (CST) I arrive at Paulie's, a local establishment specializing in the intoxication of sporting spectators. Seated beside me is my wife, proudly clad in a Green Bay Packers jersey. Yes, I married a Packer fan. It's her only major character flaw. Plus she's from Spread Eagle. You don't get a second chance at something like that.

2:01 CBS kicks off its broadcast with a football montage accompanied by some strange orchestra whose conductor looks exactly like Karl from Die Hard if he rose from the dead and reprised his role as the Maestro in The Money Pit. Yes, I referenced The Money Pit. It's reliance on Shelly Long is its only major character flaw. Plus it features two performances by White Lion. You don't just act like you never saw something like that.

2:05 The ball is kicked. And there you are. You're running for your life. You're a shooting sta...wait. Wrong sport. The AFC Championship game is underway, and it seems Phrivers will get the start, despite the knee injury that sidelined him for the final quarter of the Chargers' victory over Indianapolis.

2:12 Tom Brady throws his second incompletion, matching last week's total in his first series.

2:14 Antonio Gates is already in the locker room and LaDomlinsion is watching Michael Turner from the sideline. At this rate, we should expect to see Billy Volek sometime in the next three plays.

2:22 I order a Bloody Mary (spicy) and some wings. The countdown to the hotpoops has begun.

2:37 After Brady is picked by Quentin Jammer, the Chargers drive to the New England 8, where the drive stalls. Kaeding and the Bolts strike first. (Chargers 3 - Patriots 0)

2:47 The Empire Strikes Back. (Chargers 3 - Patriots 7)

2:51 The rest of our party arrives just as I am straining to hear a new FedEx commercial involving a dude with a bird in his beard. The sound of multiple simultaneous greetings prevents me from determining the extent to which they are stealing from Family Guy. Not only do I miss the punchline of the commercial, but I also receive a gentle reprimand for my impolite behavior. That's called Double Jeopardy.

3:03 San Diego moves the ball at will, responding to the Pats' scoring drive with a 9-play 65-yard march. However, inside the ten, the drive stalls again. This may be where the absence of Gates and LT manifests itself. Kaeding cuts the lead to one. (Chargers 6 - Patriots 7)

3:09 One of the most frequently botched plays in football is the punt team touchback save. The Patriots' #15 pulls off a beautiful leaping-catch-slash-spin-and-dump maneuver, leaving the ball inside the Chargers' five-yard line. It's a good play, but dude spends the next 40 seconds milking the crowd like Borat milks his wife for cheese.

3:14 TFB needs only two plays to capitalize on Asamuel's interception of Phrivers. Jabar Gaffney tallies the touchdown. (Chargers 6 - Patriots 14)

3:36 Just prior to intermission, Kaeding completes the hat-trick of mild success. (Chargers 9 - Patriots 14)

3:37 I convince everyone to join me for some Irish Car Bombs, only to find out that the bar is out of Guiness. This is just my opinion, but if your bar sign has a clover on it, you are never allowed to be "out of Guiness." Desperate to drop a shot of alcohol into a glass of alcohol, I settle for a lunch box.

3:50 The only thing more exciting than this game is the upcoming show "Breaking Bad," starring the undervalued Hal from Malcom in the Middle. If that show was just the two parents, I would own every season.

3:52 Word comes down that LaDomlinson is unlikely to return. Apparently, he is equally unlikely to cheer his teammates from the sideline or do much of anything besides slouching on the bench in his helmet and an overcoat, looking like a dejected Darth Vader.

4:04 Tom Brady's second interception is cashed in for three more as San Diego closes the lead to two. (Chargers 12 - Patriots 14)

4:17 Antonio Cromartie reminds Tom Brady that you never throw late over the middle, especially not into the end zone. What could have given the Pats a three-field goal lead turns into Brady's third interception of the game. The Patriots are looking more beatable than a Syrian adultress.

4:32 Laurence Maroney is taking over. The Patriots call Lo Mo's number on six of eight plays leading up to a White Wes Welker touchdown catch. (Chargers 12 - Patriots 21)

4:59 The Patriots engineer a drive that consumes both San Diego timeouts, the two minute warning, and the remaining 9:13. That drive will go down as the Buffalo Bill of clock-killers. It starved the clock in a well, then killed it, then danced around in its skin with its wiener tucked betwixt its cheeks. I can't think of a better way to crown an AFC Champion.