[onemanswarm]

New York Giants @ Green Bay Packers

5:11 p.m (CST) Fox is broadcasting their pregame show from Lambeau Field, even though the wind chill is witch tits. Howie Long kisses up to the crowd in an Elmer Fudd-inspired trapper hat, while Jimmy Johnson uses a headband to turn his hair into a silky gray umbrella. Curt Menefee eschews protective head gear, even though he has even less hair than Bradshaw. Speaking of Bradshaw, he sports a headband under his felt cap, a combination which makes him look old. Really old. Like, he looks like he's about to start talking to me about Quaker Oats and diabetes old.

5:35 Brett Favre takes the field, turning my wife's birth canal into a Tidal Wave gum commercial. An audible whoosh can be heard over the bar noise.

5:42 Holy crap! Did I say that Terry Bradshaw looked old?! He's got nothing on Bart Starr, who shows up to the coin toss looking like the turtle that used to race Bugs Bunny.

5:44 The NFC Championship game is officially underw...awww. Premature teejaculation. I hate when that happens.

5:46 The Packers have some early success, running Favre out of the pocket on naked bootlegs. Naked bootleg. If not for football, the combination of those two words would make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

5:55 I continue to order strange drinks, including one of my own design called a moosecock. Mix equal parts Jäger and Bailey's; try to enjoy. It tastes a bit like Triaminicin: delicious.

5:58 Packers cornerback Charles Woodson is positively plowed by Giants bullback Brandon Jacobs. That's a statement hit right there, with the statement in question being something along the lines of "Taste this crotch."

6:01 The Giants get on the board with a Lawrence Tynes field goal. (Giants 3 - Packers 0)

6:07 The Packers respond with a miserable 3-and-out. How miserable? How about 3 completions for -3 yards? I've shat better play scripts.

6:18 I love that this commercial for Blu Ray prominently boasts Wedding Crashers among its collection. Aside from the big-boobs-bouncing-on-beds montage, what use do I possibly have for Wedding Crashers on Blu Ray?

6:23 Pam Oliver reports that the Giants benches are not heated. Canceling Saturday's Seinfeld is one thing, but this smacks of tempting karma. Fortunately for Pam, her seat is well insulated.

6:31 The Giants are forced to kick another field goal following a crucial false start by Madison Hedgecock. Wonder if he manscapes. (Giants 6 - Packers 0)

6:35 After a near-fatal muff by Koren Robinson, Brett Favre hits Donald Driver for a 90-yard touchdown to give his team the lead. Driver, who hadn't caught a touchdown in something like 267 receptions, outran the entire Giants secondary, racking up more YAC than a Tibetan rice farmer. (Giants 6 - Packers 7)

6:49 Plaxico Burress is catching EVERYTHING! If Steve Spagnuolo threw the keys to Cameron's dad's Ferrari out onto the field, Burress would be there to scoop them up.

7:00 Fox follows a lively shot of downtown Green Bay with news that it is colder there than it is in Greenland, Alaska, and Moscow. You'd never guess that to look at Tom Coughlin and his Vaselined face. Honestly, is there a more miserable looking human being on the planet?

7:10 Green Bay gets a field goal before the half. Players, coaches, and Pam Oliver argue over who has dibs on the sauna. (Giants 6 - Packers 10)

7:32 With the second half underway, an illegal contact penalty on Al Harris wipes out a huge would-be interception of Eli.

7:34 Three plays later, Nick Collins roughs the passer after a 3rd-down incompletion, keeping the drive alive.

7:41 The Packers commit consecutive offsides penalties at their own one-yard line. I suppose they figure it's worth the risk of a three-inch penalty.

7:42 Brandon Jacobs is too big not to score from this range. Credit the sloppy Green Bay D with an assist on this six-pointer. (Giants 13 - Packers 10)

7:58 Donald Lee and Ahmad Bradshaw trade touchdowns while Plaxico talks some smaxico.
(Giants 20 - Packers 17)

8:14 Favre is picked off by R.W. McQuarters, but Ryan Grant knocks the ball directly into the pimpled arms of Mark "Jack Black on Juice" Tauscher. A snotstached Favre breathes an icy sigh of relief.

8:17 Threatening in the red zone, Ryan Grant gains seven yards, then loses seven yards. Mason Crosby ties the game at 20. Here's a parenthetical to prove it: (Giants 20 - Packers 20)

8:38 A steadily reddening Tom Coughlin looks on as Lawrence Tynes misses a 43-yard field goal wide left. Coughlin looks like a cross between Emperor Palpatine and Lady Elaine from the Land of Makebelieve. Known for his even temper and supportive demeanor, Coughlin stares down his kicker and repeatedly yells, "Come on! Come on!" Way to help him keep his head up, coach.

8:49 Did the Packers hire Brian Billick as an offensive consultant for this game? They look miserable out there. Ryan Grant is playing like he never left the Giants practice squad, and Brett Favre is no longer a cold weather anything. If he's going to stick around for a few more years, they need to put a roof over Lambeau. Their last two offensive possessions chewed up a combined 22 seconds, not including the hang time on Jon Ryan's punts.

8:50 Just when you thought the Packers were trying to give the game away, R.W. McQuarters fumbles a punt return. Somebody on the Packers coverage team tries to pick up the ball and run with it, but he fails and New York recovers. Ordinarily, trying to run with that ball is an unforgivable sin, but given the pathetic showing of offense by Green Bay, it's almost justifiable.

8:52 On the very next play, Ahmad Bradshaw guts the Packers' D for a 48-yard touchdown, but we've got laundry. A hold brings the play back. The penalty completely bails out Charles Woodson, who was guilty of the worst vag tackle in the history of the NFL. I don't care if he claims that he saw the hold. I don't care if he claims that he saw the flag. I don't care if he claims that the referee caught up to him in full stride and told him that he was going to call a hold against New York. You do not let a guy go like that.

9:03 It all comes down to this. Four seconds to play. Ball at the 18. An iced Lawrence Tynes prepares to send his team to the Super Bowl for a Week 17 rematch against New England. The snap is high, the hold is down, the laces out and OH! A horrible shank. The game goes to overtime and the crowd goes wild!

9:06 Green Bay wins the toss and the crowd goes van wilder.

9:10 Brett Favre throws one of the worst interceptions of his career, painfully misthrowing the out route to Driver. Momentum swings like the hammer of Thor, and the only hope for Packer fans is another Lawrence Tynes field goal attempt.

9:12 They get their wish, but not so fast. Lawrence Tynes pulls off the old goat-to-god routine, booting a no-doubt 47-yarder for the win.

9:13 I can handle watching the Manning family celebrate the surprising rise of their much maligned progeny, Eli. But I absolutely cannot handle the sight of a triumphant Tom Coughlin without first throwing up six hours' worth of wing sauce and liquor. I hate his mealy mouth. I hate his greased up grill. I hate his beady little rat eyes that are set so close together that he barely possesses the capacity for parallax. Between Coughlin and the '72 Dolphins, I'm gonna root for the Pats like I was born in friggin' Foxborough.