[onemanswarm]

Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. New England Patriots (16-0): Tom Brady's numbers are enough to make a non-Patfan sick to his pants. 4,800 yards and 50 touchdowns. Fifty! With single-digit INT's, to boot. Whatanasshole.

2. Indianapolis Colts (13-3): Colts fans received their yearly angst injection, a reminder that their team is always just a broken pinkie away from Suckville, the honorable Mayor Jim Sorgi presiding.

3. Dallas Cowboys (13-3): Y'all been bushwhacked by a band of badass aboriginal banditos.

4. Green Bay Packers (13-3): One week after a referee was fined for making inappropriate contact with Packers linebacker Nick Barnett, Brett Favre was out there slapping a zebra on the ass. Now is that irony or just a hilarious double standard?


"I know it's not reviewable. But the fans want to see Brett spank you on the Jumbo-tron."

5. San Diego Chargers (11-5): Ahh, the three seed. The ideal circumstances for Nurner to assert his dominance by lifting his leg and yellowing Marttenheimer's woeful post season record.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5): Quinn Gray must have been trying to rewrite the Gettysburg Address, because brother finished with four scores! [rimshot]

7. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6): If he wants to see the promised land, Q's team will have to play its way through the Cats and Pats. Power. Respect. Juice. Who wants it more?

8. Seattle Seahawks (10-6): The Seahawks will pit their homefield advantage against the thunderous momentum of the white hot Redskins. But both of those elements are non-factors. Who wants it more?

9. Tennessee Titans (10-6): Overheard on Vince Young's voice mail: [beep] "I see you rolled your way into the semi's. Dios mio, man. LT and me? We're gonna f*ck you up."


F*ckin Phrivers! That creep can roll, man.

10. New York Giants (10-6): That had to be the greatest "meaningless" game of all time. Kudos to the Giants for making the Pats play.

11.Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7): Jeff Garcia is a fascinating character. He's tough as nails, but talks like he paints his nails. He always seems to win, yet in the past five years he's been passed around more than a bong in its third semester. He's hitched to a Playmate yet readily admits that he's as gay as the day is long. I don't get it.

12. Washington Redskins (9-7): Booze question: What did Tom Collins ever do that was so great? I think I should be able to walk up to a bar and order a Todd Collins. It should be aged but potent, milky, but not lacking punch.

13. Cleveland Browns (10-6): The Browns got career years from key positions, won ten games and still missed the playoffs. Has anyone named Romeo ever been so unlucky?

14. Philadelphia Eagles (8-8): Kevin Curtis recovered a teammate's fumble for a touchdown for the second consecutive week. Seems about as likely as a white #1 wide receiver in the NFL. Hey, same guy!

15. Houston Texans (8-8): Mario Williams finished with 14 sacks and 59 tackles. That's 73 sackles!

16.Minnesota Vikings (8-8): Tarvaris Jackson led an inspired 16-point 4th quarter comeback, then wiped it out with an overtime fumble in his own red zone. You couldn't make more Minnesota enemies if you announced plans to produce Fargo II.

17. Arizona Cardinals (8-8): Kurt Warner had his old team acting like a jealous ex, judgmentally eyeballing his younger, more limber companions.

18. Detroit Lions (7-9): Mike Martz: out as the Lions' offensive coordinator. Matt Millen: still in as General Manager. Ever heard the one about the Indian who blamed his arrow? Long story short: he was a sh*tty Indian.


Matt Millen: Shitty Indian

19. Chicago Bears (7-9): The Bears enter the 2008 draft with more holes than Drew Peterson's alibi.

20. Carolina Panthers (7-9): Vinnie Testaverde announced his retirement, effective until some team loses its top two passers before Week 6 of the 2008 NFL season.

21. Denver Broncos (7-9): Not since Martin Gramatica left his homeland has a kicker been responsible for as many broken hearts as Jason Elam this season.

22. Buffalo Bills (7-9): Marshawn Lynch is the clubhouse leader for the Predlocked Offensive Rookie of the Year Award.

23. New Orleans Saints (7-9): After this exciting match-up of former Purdue quarterbacks, it seems like a good time to ask: Why boilermakers? Is it because Purdue wanted the only mascot that doubles as a beer cocktail? Would they change if the rest of the Big Ten followed suit? The Illinois Red Eyes? The Wisconsin Lunchboxes? The Michigan State Urine Samples?


The eye has come to bury your racist chief.

24. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9): On a crucial 3rd-and-9, Dolphins quarterback John Beck entered the game for injured starter Cleo Lemon. Beck took the shotgun snap, recoiled in terror as his central nervous system completely shut off, and essentially handed off to the Bengals' Nedu Ndukwe, who toted it 54 yards the other way.

25. Baltimore Ravens (5-11): Basically, Baltimore was the Bears without Devin Hester.

26. San Francisco 49ers (5-11): Thanks and congratulations to the San Francisco 49ers, who won three of their last six to ensure that the Patriots would not finish 19-0, win the Super Bowl, and still have a top three draft pick.

27. New York Jets (4-12):Is there anything less satisfying than watching your team win a game you wish they would lose? It's like starting a jerk-off session but you can't think of anything, only instead of quitting you just turn off your mind and hammer away until you pound out a drop. What? You never did that? No, me either. Ha! You thought I..? Ha! Yeah right. You're sick.

28. Oakland Raiders (4-12): JaMussell would benefit from the drafting of a legitimate playmaker in the passing game. And four stud offensive linemen. And a pro-bowl caliber secondary. And an owner who isn't suffering from a combination of Schizophrenia and Syphilis. That's right. Al Davis has Schyphilis.


If you think this guy couldn't get any creepier,
you've never seen the effects of Schyphilis.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12): Congratulations to Tony Gonzalez, who became the most prolific pass-catching tight end in NFL history, knocking off Shannon Sharpe. Perhaps one day, Tonzalez will also replace Sharpe as the wetmouthedest commentator in NFL history. I know that joke is overdone, but seriously, how is Shannon Sharpe still on TV? He talks like he's cultivating a kelp farm in his maw.

30. Atlanta Falcons (4-12): I don't care if Seattle only suited nine guys, 44 points is an inspiring achievement for this team! Disney is already in talks to produce the movie.

31. St. Louis Rams (3-13): The instant Orlando Pace went down, the Rams became the worst team in the NFC. The instant Sharon Stone went down, Joe Pesci became the most unscrupulous character in Casino.

32: Miami Dolphins (1-15): Rock Bottom: The moment before that December day when the worst becomes first and assumes prime pick from the player pool of prodigy pupils.